


Without you

by JCMadGirl



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, But it's there, Child Abuse, Drinking, Drugs, Figths, Hurt John B, Hut JJ, It's graphic kids, JJ pines a lot, John B is a Good Friend, John B is also pining, Jokes on him, LIKE ALL THE TIME, Luke's A+ Parenting, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attack, Smoking, Smut, So much angst, The Kooks are assholes, Weed, at the end, but also really dark, it's brief, it's tender and soft, non-con, so much weed, these boys are a disaster
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:46:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24146086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JCMadGirl/pseuds/JCMadGirl
Summary: You see, JJ is a liar at heart.He’s learned pretty quickly and early on that he needs to lie if he wants things to stay the way they are.Until he meets John B.Then he starts telling the truth.(Or pieces of it, anyways.)***Or, snapshots of JJ's life and his relationship with John B.
Relationships: JJ & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ/John B. Routledge
Comments: 27
Kudos: 299





	Without you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, kids, what's up?  
> So, like, I KNOW this story is kinda sort of similar to the series I already wrote, but like not really.  
> Look, I just wanted to write more about these two.  
> So this came out.  
> 24 pages of STRUGGLE.  
> As usual, comments and kudos are always appreciated, I love hearing what you guys think!  
> Catch me on Tumblr with the same handle (JCMadGirl) :)
> 
> Song: without you by Tana Mongeau (YES i know, but have you read the lyrics? it just fits)

_ [I know that I shouldn't care _

_ But I can't breathe without you _

_ And if the truth isn't fair _

_ Then I wanna lie here with you _

_ I wanna cry without you _

_ I can't get high without you] _

You see, JJ is a liar at heart. 

He’s learned pretty quickly and early on that he needs to lie if he wants things to stay the way they are.

(It's not like he would be opposed to a change.)

(It’s that a change would most likely make it worse.)

(God bless America and its shitty foster care system, right?)

Anyway. 

JJ mastered early on the art of  _ distracting.  _ He found out that if he's loud enough, talks enough, annoys people enough, then all the adults will do is scold him and then look the other way. 

(Which is exactly what JJ wants them to do.) 

He can do whatever he wants, as long as they look away.

So he lies.

Lying comes easy to him, has been doing it for his whole life. 

_ (‘You can never tell anyone, son. If you do, they’ll take you away from me, and you’ll end up in a worse place than this. Do you understand that, son?’) _

(Little JJ, barely six and with a broken arm, had nodded, and everything went downhill from there.) 

It’s easy, really. It’s a balance between oversharing every single detail of his day, until the other person has had enough of hearing him talk that tells him to shut up. 

(After that, JJ can just walk away, and he’ll be forgotten.)

(Everybody knows him, and he’s invisible.) 

_ Anyway,  _ all this to say, that he’s a liar, and lying is what he does, until he meets John B.

(Scrappy kid that he was, messed up just as much as JJ was, even at eight years old.)

Or, well, he  _ does  _ lie to John B, at the beginning at least.

( _ ‘Hey, JJ, how did you get that black eye?’ _

_ “Got into a fight with a Kook. Have you seen the new Simpsons episode?”) _

Then at some point, John B stopped asking, so JJ stopped lying.

(He never liked lying to John B anyway.)

Then, it got worse.

(JJ thought it couldn’t  _ possibly  _ get any worse than the booze, then Luke discovered  _ pills.) _

At that point, he started telling the truth.

(Or parts of it anyways.)

Only to John B, of course.

(By then, he was old enough to know what being taken away by DCS meant.)

(He didn’t want to disappear like James, that kid one year older than him, that was put in foster care and ended up killing himself.)

(Sure, life was shit, but JJ still wanted to  _ live,  _ you know?)

So he tells John B bits and pieces, and lets John B put the puzzle together. 

It’s okay, he tells John B, because it  _ is.  _

It’s just how life is for him.

(‘ _ It doesn’t have to be, JJ.’) _

(JJ can’t imagine it any other way.)

***

JJ flashes his boss at the hotel a pretty smile, the ones that has girls blush and move closer. 

Mr. Farly keeps up his scolding, doesn’t falter not even for a second, but JJ  _ sees  _ it.

(That look, the man’s eyes skimming over his body.)

(It makes him feel a bit dirty, the type of dirty you can't shower off.)

(JJ has done worse things, though, and he really needs to keep this job.)

He keeps his head down, plays his part, apologizes when the man wants him to apologize.

So what if he licks at his lips a bit more than necessary?

So what if he makes himself smaller?

(He knows Mr. Farly likes them young.) 

So what if when Mr. Farly leads him out of his office and puts a hand on his lower back, JJ leans in the contact?

(It makes his skin crawl, tight and uncomfortable, but that’s okay.)

JJ flashes him another smile, thanks him profusely for letting him keep his job, and walks away.

Lying is easy, lying is what he does, lying is how he survives, and lying is the one thing JJ is good at. 

(So what if when he gets to the Chateau he takes a longer shower than usual, scrubbing his skin raw?)

(So what if when Kie tries to hug him he pulls back?)

(So what if he smokes through the blunt a bit faster than usual?)

***

JJ feels their eyes on his back and he knows it’s not going to end well.

He glares at Rafe and Kelce, hears them snickering behind him.

It’s bad, it’s really fucking bad.

(He’s working, and he’s about to go into an empty room and he  _ knows  _ they’ll follow him.)

(Sometimes JJ wonders what he’d do, if he was a Kook like them.)

(Would he be an asshole and sneak up on Pogues like they do?)

He gives a polite smile to the Lady he just served, and she waves him away like he’s nothing more than an annoying fly and JJ rolls his eyes internally.

(He spent his entire life fighting, he knows how it works, but it doesn’t mean he  _ likes  _ it.)

JJ glance briefly to Rafe and Kelce and wonders where the third member of the Powerpuff Girls is, Topper. 

He's supposed to bring a box into the storage room, which is far too isolated. 

Instead, he takes the box to the kitchen, feels the two guys following him.

“Yo, bro, can you put this in the storage room?” He asks Ricky, a guy that works with him. 

“Fuck off, JJ, do it yourself, man.” Ricky says, because why wouldn’t he.

(He and Ricky aren’t friend, but it would be nice if once,  _ just once,  _ someone helped him.)

( _ Fine then.) _

Two against One is not the worst he's had. 

He takes the box to the storage room, and doesn't need to turn to know Rafe and Kelce already walked in, locking the door behind them.

(It’s familiar, it’s something JJ knows the same way he knows his name.)

“Did you get lost, Pogue?” Rafe laughs, and JJ already wants to punch him.

(He doesn’t. Yet.)

(Maybe he can talk his way out of this.)

“Rafe, such a pleasure to see. And Kelce, how are you? How’s life been treating you?” 

He talks fast, words tumbling off his mouth and Rafe and Kelce are staring at him like he’s gone crazy.

“Do you talk like that to all of your superiors? No wonder you can’t keep a job.” 

(JJ wants to punch him, because he has no idea of what he’s done to keep a job.)

“Right, well, then if we’re done here, I’m gonna see myself out, tryin’ to keep a job an’ all that, you know?” He says, and takes a step forward but they’re standing in front of the door, and JJ knows he’s fucked.

( _ Great.) _

(The last thing he needed is to get blood on his uniform.) 

“Maybe we should remind you of your place.” Rafe says, smiling. “What do you think, Kels?” 

“I completely agree.”    
“I don’t.” JJ says, raising one hand. It doesn’t matter.

(It never does.)

Kelce swings first, going for his head, and JJ ducks, pushing Kelce against the wall. 

JJ goes for Rafe then, and Rafe is ready for him. He throws a punch to JJ’s face and JJ grabs his shoulders and hits him on the side. 

And then he feels Kelce’s hands coming up behind him, and he starts trashing, kicking in the vague direction of where Rafe is, trying to keep him away.

Kelce tightens his grip on his neck, and JJ feels the darkness pull at the edge of his vision, and then Rafe sucker punches him again and again and again.

(Blood is a bitch too clean from white clothes.)

JJ is currently patching himself up, sitting on the pull out couch at the Chateau, when the door swings open and John B comes in, followed by Pope and Kie.

“JJ.” The name falls from John B’s lips and JJ smiles at them, and it pulls at his slip lip.

“What’s up, guys?”    
“JJ, what the fuck happened to you?” Pope asks, sitting down beside him. His hands are hovering over the medkit by his side, and JJ looks away.

“Oh, just got into a discussion with Rafe and Kelce.”   
“ _ They  _ did this?” John B grits out through clenched teeth, anger rolling off in waves from him.

JJ shrugs.

(It hurts.)

(Even breathing hurts.)

Kie sits down on his other side, and takes the wet cloth from his hand and goes back to cleaning the blood off his face.

JJ lets her. 

“They  _ jumped  _ you?” Pope asks, fists clenched.

(JJ is so fucking tired.)

“It’s fine, guys, you should see them.” He says, throwing a cheeky smile in there. 

“JJ-

“It’s  _ fine.”  _ He says again, glaring at Pope. “I don’t need you to go all white knight on me, I’m not a damsel in distress.” He says, and Pope is still staring, and the sanitizer stings on his cheek, and John B is still pacing.

“Why didn’t you call me?” John B asks suddenly, turning around to stare at JJ with hard eyes.

( _ ‘Me’  _ JJ notices, not  _ us.) _

JJ shrugs.

(You see, lying is what he is, but he was never too good at lying to John B.)

(So he doesn’t.) 

“It was nothing I couldn’t handle.” He says, and Kie scoffs beside him, fingers brushing on his skin, gentle and sweet.

(It makes JJ’s skin itch, makes him want to crawl away.) 

“Yo, John B, still got that weed I gave you yesterday?” JJ smiles, and it pulls and he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes.

(And he knows John B doesn’t buy it.)

“Yeah.” He says anyway, with a sigh, like he’s tired.

( _ Understandable. I’m tired of me too.)  _

John B sits down on a chair in front of him, and JJ avoids his eyes and John B hands him a rolled blunt and JJ lights up, and then he talks about everything but what happened today.

(John B lets him.) 

***

JJ has never been so angry at John B in his entire life. 

(He never gets mad at him to begin with.) 

(But this time-

(It’s just- this is a pattern JJ knows.)

JJ has never seen John B so angry in his entire life. 

(Getting into fights to avoid talking about his emotions? JJ knows it far too well.)

(He doesn’t want John B to go down that road.)

“What the fuck was that, John B?” JJ almost screams, lighting a cigarette. John B glares at him, and JJ glares back. He takes a long drag, watches John B pace the room.

“Fuck off, JJ.” He growls and JJ laughs, an empty, broken sound. 

“What was your brilliant plan, mh? Fight the entire Kook Academy and get yourself arrested?” 

(John B’s eyes could freezes Hell, they’re so cold.)

(It makes JJ flinch.)

“You need to get a grip, man.” JJ says, quieter this time. 

“What’s your fuckin’ problem, JJ?” John B hisses, jaw clenched. 

He’s much closer now, and it takes every ounce of JJ’s willpower to not jerk away.

( _ Shit, okay, shit, fuck- _

_ (He’s John B, John B is safe, safe, safe- _

“ _ My problem,  _ John B, is you. You can't keep getting in these situations, you’ll get yourself killed-

John B grabs the front of JJ’s shirt and pushes him against the wall behind him.

( _ Shit, fuck, fuck no, please- _

“Shut up.” John B growls, fire burning in his eyes. 

(JJ can’t breathe.)

“John B.” He says quietly, and it takes every bit of courage JJ has to hold John B’s gaze.

“Shut  _ the fuck  _ up, JJ. You don't know  _ anything.”  _

(JJ wants to tell him that  _ yes,  _ he  _ knows _ .)

(He knows what it's like to lose a parent.)

(He knows what it's like to feel so angry and scared and  _ desperate,  _ all the time.)

(It’s how JJ runs on a daily basis.) 

“He's been gone for over three months.” He says instead, because someone has to. 

John B’s eyes flash with something dark. 

(It sucks all the air out of JJ’s lungs.)

John B’s has an arm pressed at his throat then, grip tightening on his shirt, and JJ’s hands are shaking.

_ (Please, stop, please, please- _

“Fuck you, JJ.” John B spits, words dripping with venom.

(The world is spinning around JJ, darkness pulling at the edges of his vision.)

“John B.” He chokes out. 

(He wants to reach out to him.)

(He learned the hard way that it'll make it worse.) 

“You don't know what's it like, you don't understand-

“John B,  _ please- _

And just like that, it’s gone. 

JJ drops to his knees, legs giving out under him. He reaches up to touch his own neck, and he knows that John B wasn't holding him hard enough to hurt him.

(He  _ knows  _ that, he does-

( _ There are hands, holding him down, and JJ can’t breathe, there’s no air- _

He sucks in a sharp breath, blinking the tears away.

( _ It's not real, it’s not real, it’s not real- _

“JJ?” 

He doesn’t look up, can’t meet Luke’s eyes, can't let Luke see how scared he is.

(Fucking terrified.) 

He chokes back the tears that prickle at his eyes.

( _ Men don't, cry, son.)  _

“ _ JJ.”  _

JJ looks up and is met with a pair of brown eyes.

( _ Home.) _

(It’s a distant thought, that wrenches itself to the front of his mind.)

He blinks. 

“John B?” He whispers and it doesn’t make sense.

(John B shouldn’t be where Luke is.) 

(JJ always tried so hard to keep him safe.) 

“JJ, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,  _ fuck,  _ Christ-

JJ doesn't understand, until he does.

He's not at home, he's not with Luke.

(Never was.)

“Fuck.” He whispers, because he's going crazy. 

John B lifts one hand and JJ jerks back, his back hitting the wall again, and he  _ can’t breathe. _

“Don’t touch me.” JJ hisses, staring hard at him. John B’s eyes are glassy.

“I’m sorry, JJ, Christ, I’m so  _ sorry- _

“Shut  _ up,  _ fuck.” John B’s mouth fall shut, and JJ forces himself to take a deep breath.

( _ Pull yourself together, fucker.) _

JJ clenches his fists to stop his hands from shaking, then runs them through his hair. 

( _ You're fine, you’re fine, you’re fine- _

“JJ.” John B whispers and JJ forces himself to meet his eyes. John B is definitely crying now, tears rolling down his eyes.

( _ You did that, asshole.)  _

JJ moves slowly. John B is kneeling in front of him, a few feet away, and doesn't move as JJ makes his way to him. 

(JJ has always been weak.)

“I’m sorry.” John B says again.

“I know.” JJ whispers, because John B would never hurt him.

(John B is  _ safe.) _

“I didn’t mean- I’m sorry- 

“Shut up, John B.” He says again, and John B closes his mouth.

JJ stares hard at him, trying to figure out what to do now. 

He lights himself a cigarette, and offers one to John B.

He takes it and then they sit in silence for a few minutes. 

“I’m sorry, about what I said.” JJ says. “Your dad.” 

John B whips around to stare at him.

“Don't apologize.” He replies, and his eyes are holding so many emotions that JJ can’t even name all of them. 

(Most of everything, John B looks scared.) 

“I’m okay, John B.” JJ says, because he is. 

(He's shaky, and his skin feels tight and uncomfortable, but he can’t take John B looking at him like that.)

(Like he's fragile.) 

(JJ has taken so much  _ worse _ .)

( _ Not from John B.) _

“I’m sorry.” John B says again, because he knows JJ better than JJ knows himself. 

“’s okay, doesn’t matter.” 

John B runs one hand through his hair, pushing them away from his face, and JJ stares at him.

(He  _ really  _ needs his heart to stop trying to get out of his chest.)

_ (Calm the fuck down, Christ.) _

JJ takes a deep breath, lights another cigarette, inhaling the smoke until it fills his lungs.

( _ Breathe.) _

“What the fuck happened there, John B?” 

John B shakes his head, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

“I’m just so  _ angry,  _ all the time.” 

JJ nods, waits. 

“He- I  _ told  _ him to stop, I can’t even count how many times we fought about it, but he just  _ didn’t listen,  _ and now he’s gone, and I don’t- i don’t know what to do-

“John B-

“I can’t- he’s not dead, I know that, JJ, I  _ know  _ that, he’s  _ not- _

“John B,  _ stop _ .” John B looks at him, and JJ holds his gaze. 

“It’ll be okay.” He says, and it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, but John B nods, eyes shining, and JJ guesses it’s fine. 

(It makes his stupid heart jump, the way John B looks at him.)

(Like he trusts him with his life.)

(JJ knows he does.)

“I’m- fuck, JJ.  _ Shit.”  _ John B looks on the edge of a mental breakdown, hands shaking and JJ is out of his depth here.

(No one ever taught him how to be soft.)   
John B looks up at him, with tears in his eyes, and JJ’s hands itch to reach out.

“I’m scared, JJ.” John B says, so quietly that JJ almost misses it.

(He rarely misses something concerning John B.)

“I know, it’s okay- it’ll be okay.” 

JJ moves slowly, lifting one hand to put it on John B’s shoulder and John B all but falls in his arms.

JJ catches him, and pulls him close,  _ closer,  _ and John B hides his face in his neck, warm breath ghosting over his skin.

“I’m sorry.” John B chokes out, and JJ has to blink away his own tears.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

(It hurts to look at John B like this, broken and dark and scared.)

JJ holds him tighter, and John B goes slack in his arms. 

He runs his fingers through the brown strands, and down his back, and John B lets him, gripping tightly at JJ’s shirt, and eventually he stops shivering so JJ lets him go. 

John B is staring at JJ with that look that JJ can’t quite place.

(Of regret, and sadness, and something deeper, warmer, that JJ can’t name.)

John B takes his hand, silently, and JJ lets him.

(His heart really needs to fucking chill.)

“I’m sorry.” John B says again, and JJ nods.

“I’m fine.” He says, and it’s not entirely true, but JJ is so tired of fighting.

(And John B is holding his hand.)

“Let’s go home.” JJ says, standing up. John B nods, and lets JJ lead the way. 

***

“Where did you put them, you son of a bitch?” Luke’s words are dripping with anger.

JJ swallows hard.

( _ Shit, fuck no, fuck, shit- _

“I don’t- I don’t  _ have  _ them.” He says, and Luke glares harder, pushes him back against the wall.

“You fuckin’- I know you took them- what did you do with them?” 

The fun part, is that he didn’t take Luke’s pills.

(It doesn’t matter, it never does.)

“I didn’t- didn't do it.” He chokes out, and Luke’s grip on his neck tightens and now JJ  _ really  _ can't breathe. 

“You’re lyin’!” Luke yells and backhands him across his face. 

It stings, there’s blood in his mouth.

“Dad-

“Little  _ bitch _ , you think you can steal from me?” Luke slams his head against the wall, once, twice,  _ again.  _ JJ sees dots in front of his eyes.

“After everything I’ve done for you, you worthless piece of shit.” 

He’s on the floor now, and Luke is on top of him, and JJ starts trashing, trying to push the man off him.

Luke grabs his wrists and holds them down, and then starts hitting, and there’s nothing but pain.

(Blinding, and red, and hot.)

He doesn’t stop when JJ begs him to, doesn’t stop when JJ stops making any sound, doesn’t stop when JJ stops moving, doesn’t stop when JJ passes out. 

JJ wakes up and the world is too bright. 

He closes his eyes again.

(It feels like having a knife stuck in his brain.)

He needs to figure out what’s going on, though, so he tries again.

JJ could cry when he finds himself on John B’s pull out couch.

“Thank  _ fuck, God,  _ you’re awake.” John B’s voice feels like honey.

“John B?” He mumbles, trying to piece what happened. He tries to sit up, and pain runs down his spine.  _ “Fuck.”  _

“JJ, stop moving. You’ve got like five broken ribs.” 

JJ nods to himself, closing his eyes again.

(He's so tired.)

“No, hey, JJ, stay awake, man, JJ?” 

JJ forces his eyes open again, and this time he finds John B right in front of him. 

(A sight for sore eyes.)

“Hey.” He says, because it feels like he should say something. John B huffs a nervous laugh. “What happened?”   
“What do you remember?”    
JJ licks his lips, watches John B follow the movement.

(He’s making things up, there’s no way-

“Luke.” He says in the end. “Thought I took his pills.” 

“Christ, JJ.” 

JJ sits up with a string of curses and groans and finally takes a look at himself. 

His body is a disaster, a canvas of blues and purples and red. 

“How did I get here?” He asks, because the last thing he remember is passing out on the kitchen floor.

“I- you weren’t answering your phone, so I figured- well- 

“You came to my house?” JJ asks because he can’t believe it.

( _ Christ.) _

“Yeah. I picked you up and took you here and you’ve been sleeping for almost the entire day. I was about to take you the hospital when you woke up.” 

JJ blinks.

“You went to my house.” He says again. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t about to leave you there, Christ.” John B says, fingers twitching. “I thought he killed you.” 

JJ breathes in sharply. 

“I’m fine.” He says, and John B clenches his jaw.

“Don’t do that, JJ. Don’t lie to me.” JJ looks away.

(He doesn’t really know how to stop.)

He doesn’t say anything, and John B sits down beside him, their shoulders touching. 

John B hands him a cigarette and JJ takes it, lighting up quickly.    
He does feel marginally better. 

“You should eat something.” John B says at one point, getting up.

(JJ immediately misses his warmth.) 

John B makes him grilled cheese (his favorite) and also brings him a bottle of water. 

It feels like Heaven, he almost feels like a human being again.

“Thanks.” JJ says once he’s done.

“You should sleep.” John B says. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”   
“I’m not a baby, John B.”

“Sure you are.” John B smiles at him and JJ feels a small one on his face too. 

He takes the hand John B is offering, and stumbles to his feet. 

For a second he sees nothing but black, pain shooting through his body. 

( _ Fuck, Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck.) _

“JJ.” John B has an hand on his back, the other arm wrapped around his chest. 

JJ is panting, blinking away the tears. 

“Come on, JJ, lean on me, let’s go.” JJ does, it feels like his knees are going to give out at any second now, so he lets John B support most of his weight and together they stumble in John B’s room, and JJ slowly sits on the bed. 

“Fuck.” He exhales. 

(He's exhausted.) 

“Right.” 

John B hands him a hoodie, an old thing that hangs a bit big on him, and when he looks up he finds John B already staring at him, eyes impossibly soft.

(It feels as if John B can read straight into his soul, which is not something JJ appreciates.) 

(It makes his stomach do weird things.) 

It takes a bit of shuffling around and several loud curses for JJ to get under the blankets, curling on himself.

( _ Safe.)  _

“Sleep.” John B says, turning off the light and he’s about to leave when JJ finally,  _ finally,  _ reaches out. He grabs John B’s wrist, and in the darkness it’s easier to tell the truth.

(To admit he doesn’t want to be alone.)

“Stay.” He whispers and John B doesn’t say anything but he does slide in bed beside him. 

John B turns on his side, and so does JJ and suddenly they’re staring at each other.

(JJ can’t really make out his features, but there’s enough light from the window that he can see his profile.) 

“Thank you.” JJ whispers in the small space between them.

(He doesn't say for what, he’s not sure he could get the words out even if he wanted to.)

( _ For coming to get me, for putting me back together, for not leaving.) _

“I’d never leave you there, JJ.” John B says.

(He’s always been softer than JJ.) 

John B reaches out, cupping his cheek with his hand and JJ leans into it.

(He always does.)

(If John B feels him shivering, he doesn’t mention it.)

John B’s thumb brushes gently over his skin.

(John B touches him reverently, like he’s not dirty and broken.)

(John B touches him like he’s something to be cherished, like he’s worth something.)

(Like he’s worth everything.)

“Stop.” JJ says, hears his voice crack, because he can’t take it.

( _ Worthless. Stupid. Dirty. Broken.)  _

“It’s okay, JJ.” John B says, because he understands and JJ hates him a little for it. 

JJ nods. 

(John B never lies to him.)

John B rolls on his back, and opens his arms in a mute invite.

JJ takes it. 

He curls against John B’s side, and John B holds him close, running his fingers through his hair. JJ rests his head on John B’s chest, feels his heart beat under his ear (steady and so alive). 

He falls asleep to gentle fingers and warm safety.

( _ Home.) _

_ *** _

JJ might be drunk.

(Correction: he’s very much drunk.)

(And high, he’s so fucking high.)

Overall, he feels pretty good. Keg parties always leave him buzzing.

All his friends are there, laughing and talking and JJ is trying to get himself a beer when a guy approaches him. 

“You good, man?” The guy asks, and JJ turns. 

The guy is cute. He’s a bit taller than JJ, brown hair and brown eyes.

(It’s not the right color, too light and missing little specks of gold.)

“Yeah, bro, peachy.” He replies, lifting his glass. “Cheers.” 

(On any other night, he’d go with this guy.)

(Tonight, he’s still a bit bruised after Luke’s last stunt.)

(And John B’s touch is still warm on his cheek.)

“Oh, wait, where are you running to?”

“Just tryin’ to get back to my friends, dude.” 

“Just friends? No girlfriend?” JJ shakes his head, starts walking. The guy catches up with him. 

“Boyfriend?”    
“Fuck off, dude. Not in the mood, okay?” 

Then the guy grabs his arm,  _ tight _ , pulls him closer.

(JJ is far too high for this bullshit.)

“Dude, let go.” JJ hisses.

(The world is spinning around him.)

“Come on, why not have some fun?” 

“I  _ said,  _ fuck off.” The guy only grins at him before crashing their lips together.

JJ knees him right in the balls. 

He steps back, watching the guy bend over. 

“Stupid slut-

JJ scoffs, running one shaky hand through his hair.

“If you come closer again it’ll be much worse than that.” JJ growls, and the guy reaches for him again. JJ takes a step back, and walks away. 

He must look a bit panicked because when he gets back to his friends Pope stares at him with worry in his eyes.

“JJ?” 

John B whips around and his eyes burn on JJ’s skin.

“What did I miss?” JJ says, avoiding looking at John B. 

“Uh.” Pope blinks. “Kie wants to save the turtles tomorrow.” 

“Oh joy.” JJ forces a smile and he knows it looks natural.

(He knows John B doesn’t buy it.)

“Can’t wait to spend the entire day deep in trash.” He says, rolling another blunt.

He doesn’t even need to look while he does, it’s just muscle memory by now.

He’s halfway through it when he finally brings himself to look at John B. He’s already watching at him.

(JJ knows he hasn’t looked away since he sat back down.) 

The bonfire between them is throwing a warm light on his face, washing him in gold and warmth. 

( _ Pretty _ .)

“You okay?” He asks, quietly. 

JJ glances at Kie and Pope, who are too engrossed in their own conversation to pay attention to them. 

“Yeah. Jus’ a random guy bein’ an asshole.”    
“What happened?” John B asks, frowning.

(JJ wants to smooth over the crease between his eyebrows.)

“Nothin’ I couldn’t handle. ‘s fine.” 

“JJ-

“Really, John B.” He says, and John B nods, eyes trailing over JJ’s face.

John B slides closer after that, and JJ leans into him.

(Just a bit, just for a second.)

(Or two hours.) 

John B’s hand is warm on his lower back, fingers rubbing circles on his skin.

(It’s nice and gentle and safe.)

If at some point JJ’s head is resting on John B’s shoulder, no one says anything.

***

Days like this are JJ’s favorite.

He’s on the beach, trying to balance a beer bottle on his forehead, the sun hot on his skin. 

“A bit more to the right.” Pope says, standing beside him.

“Dr. Heyward, Engineer extraordinaire, to the rescue.”    
He hears Pope laugh, but he can’t really look at him because he’s busy shifting the bottle until it stands, perfectly in equilibrium.

“Fuck yeah, bro.”    
“Told you.” JJ hears John B laugh behind him and grins. 

“Let me take a picture.” John B says and JJ gives him a thumbs up and hears the click of the camera and finally removes the bottle, gulping down the beer. 

“Ready to get back in?” JJ asks, already walking to his board, and John B grins at him. 

Kie comes back in that moment with more beers and sits down beside Pope. 

JJ throws an arm around John B and drags him back in the water, where the waves are bigger and taller and JJ feels adrenaline pumping through his veins.

(There are not many things that make him feel so alive.) 

Surfing is fun, he’s good at surfing, the best in their group, really. 

When he surfs there’s nothing but the wind in his hair and the water splashing on his face, curling around him until he’s out of the tunnel, and the sun shines bright on him. 

They fuck around for a while, chasing the bigger waves and racing each other and it’s good.

(It’s more than good, it’s perfect.)

JJ is laying on the sand, watching the sun set, painting the sky in red and oranges. 

John B is sleeping beside him, snoring softly, and Pope and Kie left a while back.

(They have families that actually want them home for dinner.) 

JJ moves his eyes from to the horizon to John B.

He looks good in this light.

(It brings out the freckles on his nose and cheeks.)

(JJ could spend days counting them and not get bored.) 

( _ Sap.) _

Sometime later, when the sun has disappeared, John B wakes up. 

He looks up and smiles at JJ and JJ smiles back. 

“Good evening, Sleeping Beauty.” JJ says, smirking and John B punches him lightly on his arm. 

“Fuck off, man.” John B says, but he's smiling so it loses a lot of its bite.

JJ stretches, popping several of his bones and exhales a deep breath.

He lights a cigarette, and watches the smoke curl above them. 

“Dinner?” John B asks, and JJ nods, but neither of them move.

Instead, John B steals JJ’s cigarette with a smirk and JJ glares at him.

“Dude, no.” He says, hand to his chest. 

John B brings it to his lips, taking a long drag.

(JJ might forget how to breathe for a minute there.)

“What you gonna do about it?” 

(JJ never backs down from a challenge.)   
He tackles John B to the ground, and they fuck around for a few minutes, until JJ slides the cigarette from his fingers.

He holds it between his lips, looking down at John B. 

(Who knew that all he had to do to get on John B’s lap was stealing a cigarette?) 

“That was unfair.” John B says, pouting. 

“Just because you lost.” JJ grins. Then John B flips them around and suddenly JJ is on his back and John B is on top of him.

(John B is staring at his lips.)

(He’s staring, JJ is not making it up this time, he’s  _ staring.)  _

JJ licks his lips slowly, wondering what would happen if he reached up.

(It would be  _ so easy,  _ he's right  _ there- _

( _ There  _ being above JJ, hair framing his face, and  _ fuck- _

Then John B pulls back, cigarette hanging loosely between his lips and JJ can’t remember how breathing works. 

( _ Get a grip, JJ.) _

He sits up, fingers itching for more, so instead of touching John B, he grabs another cigarette, lighting up. 

“Ready to go?” John B asks, holding out his hand. JJ takes it and John B pulls him up to his feet. 

“Yeah.” He says, and John B isn’t really looking at him.

(JJ tries to not take it personally.) 

(He didn’t mean to fuck up, he’s not sure of what happened.)

(John B looks a bit lost too.)

“You good, man?” JJ asks, wrapping an arm around John B’s shoulder. 

(John B leans into him.)   
(JJ’s heart is about to jump out of his fucking chest.)

( _ Christ, JJ, stop- _

“Yeah.” John B says with a smile.    
(He’s lying.)

( _ Can’t lie to a liar, John B.) _

JJ nods anyway, because he doesn’t know what else to do. He starts talking then, about anything, everything, and by the end of the night John B is back to being his usual self.

***

_ There are hands holding him down, gripping, pulling, squeezing. _

_ JJ can’t breathe, can’t see anything but red and black. There’s blood everywhere.  _

_ Someone laughs. _

_ JJ tries to fight back and finds that he can’t move, finds that the hands are holding him down, back.  _

_ The hands are around his throat now, tight and angry and he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t  _ breathe-

_ “Worthless piece of shit. Not even your mother wanted you.”  _

_ JJ wants to cry, the words cut in deep, cold and true, because JJ knows the voice is right, that he's nothing, that he’ll always be nothing, too fucked up, too broken, too loud and too fucking stupid.  _

_ He looks up, thinks he look up, he’s not sure, where even is  _ up,  _ and is met with dark eyes. Eyes he knows, filled with rage and fury and so much hate, JJ is small and the hands are huge on him, scratching, breaking, bruising, crushing- _

_ “Why don’t you just fuckin’ die?”  _

“JJ.” JJ wakes up with a choked sound, sitting up. 

_ (Fuck, fuck, shit, no, please- _

JJ pulls at his hair, and the pain is sharp enough that he’s pulled back to the here and now, to John B’s pull out couch, to John B’s wide eyes and hovering hands. 

“Fuck.” He says, hates that his voice breaks like that.

( _ Just a dream. Just a dream, just a dream, just a dr- _

“JJ, stop.” John B says, and he moves slowly, taking his hands away from his hair.

(It’s good that he does it now, before he can rip out all of his hairs.) 

“JJ.” His name falls from John B’s lips like he hadn’t really meant to say it at all.

JJ can’t breathe.

( _ There are hands on his neck, pressing down, holding him down- _

“You need to breathe slower, okay? JJ? JJ,  _ breathe.”  _

JJ would fucking  _ love  _ to do that, but he  _ can’t. _

(He can’t stop shaking, can’t move, frozen in place.) 

“John B.” He chokes out, and John B is there in a split second, wrapping his arms around him.

(He smells of cedar and saltwater and weed.) 

(It’s good, it’s grounding, it’s familiar, it’s home.) 

“JJ, breathe with me.” He says, and then JJ has one hand on John B’s chest, skin warm under his palm. “Match me, come on, JJ, do it for me, yeah?”   
(JJ would do  _ anything  _ for him.)

“Yeah, yeah, like that, JJ, again, good, keep goin’, again, again, so good-

JJ closes his eyes, lets John B’s words wash over him.

(He thinks he might cry.)

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

JJ leans forward and John B catches him, holding him close and JJ lets him, suddenly exhausted. 

(It’s that type of tired that JJ can’t never sleep away.) 

“JJ.” 

(His name has no business sounding that good when John B says it.) 

JJ doesn’t reply, rests his head on his shoulder instead, and John B’s fingers are brushing through his hair. 

(It’s soft and gentle and far too tender.)

(It almost breaks him.) 

“I’m okay.” JJ says at some point, because John B really shouldn’t have to do all this. 

“Yeah.” John B says and doesn’t let him go.

(JJ is not going to complain.) 

(John B holds him like he never wants to let go.)

“Wanna talk about it?” John B asks, sometime later, because he always does. 

JJ grabs his cigarettes, and the flame is bright in the semi-darkness of the room. 

“Don't know.” He says, exhaling. They’re sitting in front of each other now, and John B’s hands are on his knees, a constant reminder that he's not alone.

(JJ doesn’t do well when he's alone.) 

John B doesn’t say anything, waits.

JJ lets his eyes travel over his face, and even in the darkness he knows exactly where are all the freckles are, the curve of his top lip, the look he must have in his eyes.

(He’s glad he can’t see it.)

(John B’s eyes are always far too tender for how raw he feels right now.)

“It was him.” He says, when he’s on the third cigarette. “It was- dark and there was blood, and I just- it was the usual.” He says, and his throat is dry. 

“JJ.”   
(He can’t lie, not right now, not to him, so he doesn’t say anything.)

(JJ’s skin is tingling where John B touches him.)

“You’re home. You’re safe.” John B says, and JJ nods, closes his eyes, blows out the smoke. 

He lets himself fall on the pillow again and John B follows him, laying down beside him.

“Sorry I woke you.” JJ mumbles. 

“I don't mind.” John B replies.

JJ nods, staring at the ceiling.

“You should go to sleep.” JJ says, because it’s true.

( _ For once. _ )

“So should you.” 

(JJ already knows he won’t be able to fall asleep again that night.)

(It’s fine.)

“Fine.” John B turns on his side then, staring at JJ. JJ glares at him, even if he can’t see him.

“John B.”   
“Shut up, JJ. I’m trying to sleep.” John B says, and JJ can hear the smile in his voice. 

“Come here.” John B whispers, lifting one arm. 

(JJ has always been weak.)

He presses his back to John B’s ridiculously broad chest. John B wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer, and there's no way he's sleeping  _ now,  _ but he doesn't really care.

(Not when John B is sighing happily against his neck, fingers clutching at JJ's shirt.)

He closes his eyes anyway, and against all odds he feels sleep pulling him in soon after.

(Maybe it’s the sense of safety that comes with being wrapped up in John B.)

(Maybe it’s the soft kiss John B presses on his temple when he thinks JJ is already sleeping.)

(Maybe it’s the way John B rubs small circles on his arm.)

Whatever it is, JJ doesn’t have time to figure it out, because then he’s asleep and it’s the best sleep he has had in a long time.

***

JJ wouldn’t be able to explain how they got into this situation. 

(A stupid comment the Kooks made, one too many mean remark.)

(JJ and John B never backed down from a fight.)

He punches Rafe right on his stupid nose, and Rafe stumbles back, bleeding. JJ glances at John B and John B looks back. It’s four against two, Rafe, Topper and Kelce and that other guy JJ doesn’t know the name of. 

(Where the hell is Pope when you need to even out the odds?)

Rafe tackles him, and JJ stumbles back against Nameless Guy, who rapidly grabs his arms, holding him down.

JJ growls at him, managing to elbow Nameless Guy on the face, Rafe punches him right on the face, and JJ punches back and it’s a mess of fists and kicks and curses.

He realizes Kelce and Topper managed to immobilize John B, and he can’t have that.

“Hey, asshole.” He calls, grabbing Kelce by his shoulder to punch him in the stomach. Kelce bends over and Topper lets John B go.

They really need to get out of here.

“JJ!” JJ whips around to find Rafe’s fist flying at his face and he barely has time to duck, sending Rafe against the wall behind him. 

Then John B is grabbing his wrist and they’re running, the Kooks chasing after them.

They run through the small streets of the cut, delving deeper through the shitty houses, throwing back insults to the Kooks.

“John B.” JJ hisses taking a sharp turn to the left and dragging his friend behind a nook in one of the buildings. He pulls John B close, so they’re pressed flush together and lifts one finger to his mouth to tell him to stay quiet.

A few seconds later the Kooks run right by them, and miss them entirely.

John B huffs a laugh, and JJ feels it on his lips.

“I can’t fuckin’ believe it.” John B whispers, even though the Kooks are now way too far to hear them. 

JJ smiles brightly at him.

(He feels euphoric.)

(Maybe it's because John B is so close.)

“Dumb fuckers, as if they could win a fight down here.” JJ scoffs and looks back to John B. 

(There’s a thin layer of sweat on his skin, and his eyes are ridiculously bright.)

( _ Get a grip, JJ.) _

_ (He doesn’t like you like that, Christ.) _

Still, he doesn’t move away.

(Sue him.)

(If John B keeps staring at him like that JJ might just have to kiss him.)

“You’re bleeding.” John B says, lifting one hand in the small space between them to wipe the blood from his temple. 

“Happens.” JJ says. 

“Right.” 

John B’s hand is still on his face, cupping his cheek now. 

(JJ is about to die, his heart about to explode-

“John B.” He says without really meaning to. 

( _ Don’t do it.) _

(JJ’s hands are shaking and it’s not because of the fight.) 

“We should go.” John B says, swallowing hard, and JJ watches his throat bob.

“Yeah.”

(He should  _ really  _ move, before he gets his heart broken.)

So yeah, he slides out of the nook in the wall and something weird flashes in John B’s eyes for a second ( _ regret?),  _ but it’s gone so fast that JJ half thinks he imagined it.

(He knows he didn’t.)

(He’s not ready to admit what it might mean.)

“Let’s go.” John B says, throwing one arm around JJ’s shoulders, and JJ smiles and follows John B to the Chateau. 

***

“You need to tell the police, tell  _ someone.”  _ JJ glares hard at John B and John B glares back.

(It’s not the first time they’re having this fight.)

“Yeah, so they can stick me with some shitty foster family? No, thanks.” 

“JJ-

“John B, can you just- can we not do that right now?” JJ says, and John B’s eyes fly down to the huge gash on JJ’s left side.

(It was worse than usual.)

(JJ feels raw, and exposed, and he’s so  _ fucking  _ tired.) 

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” All the fight seems to leave John B at once, and JJ exhales deeply. He keeps pressing the cloth on his bleeding side while John B tries to find needle and thread.

(John B wants to take him to the hospital.)

(JJ only needs a couple of stitches, it’s  _ fine.) _

John B sits back down on the bed beside him, hands him a couple of Advils that JJ swallows with some beer.

“JJ, I don’t- I don’t-

John B stutters, then looks up at him with wide eyes and JJ wants to punch himself.

( _ Burden. Fucked up. Broken.) _

_ (No one wants you, JJ.) _

“I’m sorry.” It slips out before he can really process it.

( _ I’m sorry I always come here.) _

_ (I’m sorry you always have to patch me up.) _

_ (I’m sorry I’m so fucking useless.) _

“It’s okay, JJ.” John B says, and some of his usual confidence seems to be back in his words. “Alright, let me see.” JJ takes a deep breath and pulls the cloth away from his skin. 

Most of the bleeding has stopped by now. 

“Christ. Fuck, okay.” 

(It’s not the first time John B has stitched him up.)

(But it has been a while since last time.)

It’s a slow, painful process.

JJ clenches his jaw so hard that he thinks his teeth are about to break.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

(JJ thinks he might anyway.)

“Sorry.” John B whispers when JJ hisses. 

“It’s fine.” He grits out, looking at anything but the needle crossing his skin.

(He watches John B instead, brows furrowed in concentration and eyes focused.)

(He bites his lip while he works, like he always does when he’s paying extra attention.)

An eternity later finally John B straightens up and JJ flops down on the bed, absolutely exhausted.

“Christ, fuck.” John B goes to wash his hands in the bathroom and when he comes back he finishes dressing the cut, putting clean bandages all around JJ’s torso.

“Thanks.” JJ whispers when he’s done. John B nods, and JJ hands him a cigarette.

“Shit.” John B says, laying down beside him.

JJ smokes through four cigarette, before he sits back up to roll a blunt. 

They smoke through it quickly, and the pain is a lot more bearable by then. 

And then they’re just lying down side by side, watching the ceiling of John B’s room.

Outside is dark, but they have one lamp on, so JJ sees John B turn to him, before he talks.

“What happened?” He asks, because he always does.

(And JJ is so tired of lying.)

“He had a knife.” JJ says, the same way he would talk about the weather. He licks at his lips, and doesn’t look at John B.

(He can’t.)

“He, uh, uhm- he,  _ shit.”  _ JJ pulls at his hair then, feeling the panic closing his throat. 

His chest feels tight and he can’t breathe, and the stitches are pulling, and his entire right side is a big bruise and there’s a ring of dark marks around his neck and wrists-

“JJ.” John B speaks softly, and it cuts through the haze in his mind.

JJ looks at him. 

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

_ (Fuck you, dad.) _

John B lifts one hand to cup his cheek and wipes away the tears. 

“I thought- he- I really thought he’d do it this time.”

He doesn’t need to specify what, because John B knows.

( _ I thought he’d kill me.) _

John B pulls him into his arms and JJ hides his face in his neck and lets out a broken sob. Then he’s crying, and he can’t stop, and John B holds him through it, brushes his hair, and whispers against his skin, a litany of  _ ‘it’s okay’  _ and  _ ‘you’re home’  _ and  _ ‘you’re safe’  _ and  _ ‘I got you, JJ’.  _

JJ doesn’t lie and he cries and lets John B hold him and kiss his head and when he doesn’t have any more tears to cry, John B still holds him, and eventually he also stops shaking and he still doesn’t let go.

(JJ really doesn’t want him to.)

So JJ just keeps clutching a bit desperately to John B’s shoulders, and John B pulls him impossibly closer until JJ is almost in his lap, and traces invisible lines on the naked skin of his back.

(It sends shivers down JJ’s spine.)

JJ pulls back at some point, and John B is holding his face between his hands and JJ can’t breathe but now it’s for an entirely different reason.

( _ Get a grip, bitch.) _

“‘m sorry.” JJ says, because he’s been crying like a fucking baby for the whole night, and really, John B must have something better to do than wipe JJ’s snot from his shoulder. 

“‘s okay, JJ.” John B brushes a blond strands away from his face.

( _ Christ.) _

(Why is everything always so hard?)

His throat feels like sandpaper.

(He really needs John B to stop looking at him like that before he does something really fucking stupid.)

“Don’t go back, JJ.” John B says, and his hands are on JJ’s hips now. 

“John B-

“ _ Don’t,  _ JJ. Just- you can’t keep doing this.  _ I  _ can’t keep doing this.”   
(JJ always knew he was too much of a burden.)

(John B deserves so much better.)

He pulls back, John B’s fingers linger on his hips, arms stretched to keep the contact.

“Fuck- JJ, no, I didn’t mean- I didn’t mean it like  _ that-  _ I just- I don’t want to see you hurt, okay? I want you to be- fuck, to be  _ safe,  _ here, with me-

“Shut up.”   
“ _ No.  _ JJ, listen to me, I just want you to be safe, and- and  _ happy- _

“John B, shut up.” JJ can’t look at him.

“No, JJ, you deserve better than that, better than that piece of shit, okay? If you just-

(JJ can’t take it.)

He leans in and presses their lips together and John B’s fingers tighten on his hips, pulling him closer.

Then John B is kissing back, and JJ’s brain shortcircuits and there’s nothing but John B’s lips.

(Soft and chapped, he tastes like smoke and blood and weed.)

Then JJ pulls back, covering his mouth with his hand because he just fucked up, royally so.

(JJ would love to disappear, right about now, thanks.)

( _ Fucking idiot, what the fuck is wrong with you, you’re so fucking stupid- _

Then John B takes him by the back of his neck and crashes their lips together again and JJ has definitely died and gone to Heaven.

(Maybe it’s a dream.)

John B kisses him like JJ is his oxygen, and licks into his mouth like he can’t get enough of him, and it feels  _ right. _

(JJ has made many,  _ many  _ mistakes over the years, and they’ve never felt this good.)

So he kisses back. 

He climbs back on John B’s lap, legs at each side of his waist and ignores how it pulls at the stitches, because nothing matters but  _ him. _

He runs his hand through John B’s long hair, and John B holds his hips a bit tighter and JJ shivers and moans lowly in the kiss, which has  _ John B  _ shiver.

It’s so fucking good. 

(It’s perfect.)

“JJ.” John B whispers between them.

(It  _ really  _ shouldn’t sound so good.)

JJ pulls back, because suddenly he needs to look at him.

(He can’t breathe.)

“Christ, I’ve wanted to do that for  _ months.”  _

“What?” JJ’s voice comes out a bit squeaky and then John B is grinning and there’s no way JJ can hide a smile of his own. “You’re kidding.”    
“No, wish I was.” John B says, still smiling like a goddamn idiot and JJ is also an idiot. 

“Fuck, John B, what the  _ fuck.”  _

“Yeah.” John B huffs a laugh, and JJ smirks. 

(John B’s eyes are shining.)

“Why didn’t you?”    
“You didn’t either.” 

“I asked first.” John B shrugs, eyes scanning JJ’s face.

“I was scared.” He replies. “You’re my best friend.” 

“Aw, John B, didn’t peg you for such a sap.” He says, but he’s already leaning in to catch his lips in another kiss. John B smiles in the kiss, and it’s a bit of a mess, hungry and wet and just  _ right. _

So they kiss until their mouths are sore and until JJ’s stitches are pulling just a bit too much, and then JJ turns on his side, the one that hurts less, and John B curls around him.

John B presses a soft kiss at the base of his neck, and JJ shivers against him. 

“Sleep.” John B says, and JJ could never tell him no. 

***

John B leans down to press a kiss on JJ’s neck, over the fading bruises on his throat.

JJ smiles at him, running his fingers through his hair. 

“You look especially good today.” John B says, and it makes JJ blush like he’s some sort of thirteen years old virgin girl.

(He isn’t any of those things, so fuck you John B.)

“Fuck off, John B.” 

“What? That’s how you treat your boyfriend?” John B asks, smug grin on his face. JJ smirks at him.

“Why? You like it, John B? Didn’t think you’d be into that.” 

And then it’s John B who’s blushing.

( _ Pretty.) _

John B smiles at him and JJ pulls him up so he can kiss him.

(He’s found that kissing John B is his new favorite hobby.) 

John B kisses him back, and the sun is washing his skin in gold, and he’s so beautiful.

(JJ really can’t believe this is life now.)

(Slow kisses and miles of tan skin, pretty smiles and kind eyes.)

JJ flips them around so he can stare at him a bit longer.

John B smiles up at him, and JJ can’t remember the last time he felt like this.

( _ Happy _ .)

( _ Wanted.) _

(Loved.)

(He doesn’t think that last one, though, not yet, at least.)

***

JJ watches it in slow motion.

(In retrospective, he should have known this would happen.)

(‘ _ I just need to grab some clothes, John B’ _

_ “Just wear mine.” _

_ ‘All my stuff is there.’ _

_ “Let me come with you, at least.”) _

(It was fine, until Luke showed up.)

And now, JJ watches from the floor as Luke’s fist crashes against the side of John B’s face. 

It’s like a switch.

JJ’s brain zeroes on that, and nothing else matters, he sees nothing but John B, stumbling back with blood on his lip.

JJ is moving before he can even think about it, pushing Luke up against the wall.

( _ How the turntables.) _

“Don’t touch him ever again.” He growls and Luke stares hard at him. 

“Yeah? Is he your fucking boyfriend?” JJ swallows hard. 

“Stay away from him.” JJ spits out, and pushes Luke harder against the wall, and then steps back, never taking his eyes from him.

“Let’s go.” He says, reaching blindly for John B’s hand.

Then Luke is charging again, and JJ is ready this time. 

They end up on the floor, rolling in a mess of kicks and fists and he sees red, tastes blood in his mouth, metalling and disgusting, and JJ has never been so angry and scared in his entire life.

He pins Luke down and he might be screaming, he’s not sure, he can only hear the wet sound of skin clashing against skin, pained groans and blood splattering on his shirt and arms and hands.

He stops when he feels Luke going slack under him and there’s a small part of his brain yelling at him to keep going.

(Luke never stopped when he couldn’t move anymore.)

_ (You’re better than that.) _

Truth to be told, he’s not sure about that, but John B is right there, and JJ doesn’t want him to see him like this. 

So he stops. He sits back on his legs and stares, panting.

John B pulls him up on his legs again, and Luke rolls on his side with a groan.

“Stay away from us.” JJ says again, barely registers the tears running down his cheek.

(It feels a bit distant, all of it.)

“You fuckin’-

John B kicks him again, and then he’s dragging JJ outside of that wretched house and JJ lets him.

“JJ.” John B puts both his hands on JJ’s shoulder once they’re far away from the house. “JJ, look at me.”   
(He really can’t.)

( _ You’re just like him.) _

“JJ, look at me,  _ Christ,  _ please,  _ JJ.”  _

JJ can’t breathe.

(Everything is spinning around him, and he feels sick, and he's drowning-

“JJ,  _ stop.”  _

So JJ does. He looks up and John B pulls him in his arms and JJ lets him, buckling under his own weight, and John B holds him up. 

“Fuck, fuck- shit, fuck, John B, I fucked up, I fucked up, fuck-

“JJ-

“He’ll kill me, God, he’ll kill me, I’m going to die, Christ, fuck, shit, fuck-

“JJ, stop, he won’t touch you again, JJ,  _ look at me,  _ Jesus.”   
So JJ does. He takes in John B’s hard eyes, cold and angry in a way JJ has never seen. 

“If he comes near you again, I’ll kill him.” John B says with so much certainty, like it’s so obvious, that JJ wonders how he didn’t think of it sooner.

(How could he ever think that John B would let Luke hurt him again?)

“John B.”    
“I got you, JJ. You’re never going back there again.” 

JJ nods, because, really, what’s he supposed to say?

“Okay.” He chokes out, and John B kisses him, in the middle of the street, and it’s natural and a bit wet and salty because JJ might be crying again, but it doesn’t matter.

“Let’s go home.” John B says, and JJ doesn’t look back.

**JOHN B**

John B tightens his grip on JJ’s hips. 

(He never wants to let him go.)

(Doesn’t have to.)

He pushes JJ down on his back and climbs between his legs, smiling against his chest.

JJ has some scars on his body, jagged edges against smooth miles of golden skin.

(Luke is so lucky to be still alive.)

He looks up to drink in the sight that is JJ spread on his bed, smiling down at him, blue eyes brighter than the fucking sun.

( _ Beautiful _ .)

JJ reaches up for him, like he always does, and it warms John B’s chest.

John B meets him halfway and licks into his mouth, slow and hungry, desperate.

(He can never get enough of him.)

JJ melts under him, hands tracing invisible lines on John B’s back.

(It’s good. So, so good.)

John B pulls back to kiss his neck, and JJ sighs happily under him. He sucks a red mark over the bruises Luke left.

(If he can’t make them disappear, then he sure as fuck can cover them.)

He presses a wet kiss over the hickey, then moves slower to kiss JJ’s collarbone and shoulders, and chest. 

There’s a small scars there, right above his heart, and John B presses his lips over it, feels JJ’s take a sharp breath.

“John B.” JJ says, squirming a little.

(John B knows that it’s hard for him, to let himself be touched like this.)

(No one is ever gentle with him.)

“Yeah, babe?” JJ shivers at the nickname, and it makes John B smile. 

He keeps sliding lower over JJ’s body, kissing every scar and little mole he can find, and JJ gasps every time, hands shaking a little in John B’s hair. 

“Christ, John B-

His voice cracks, and John B looks up to meet his eyes, and it sucks all the air from his lungs.

(JJ looks at him with so much love and fear.)

“It’s okay.” John B says, because it looks like JJ needs it. JJ nods then, jaw clenched and eyes burning on John B’s skin. “JJ.” He whispers, moving back up so he can kiss him again.

JJ kisses like he does everything else in life.

(With all of himself.) 

(JJ can say whatever he wants, but John B knows he cares too much far too easily.)

(It sets John B’s blood on fire.)

JJ then reaches down, starts fumbling with John B’s sweat to pull them down, off, and John B shrugs them off quickly, because suddenly he needs to have JJ much closer.

“Christ.” John B helps JJ out of his own jeans, fingers brushing at the burning skin.

(JJ always runs a bit too hot.)

John B slides over JJ’s body to grab the lube from his bedside table along with a condom, and watches JJ’s eyes darken.

JJ smirks, flipping them around so now he’s on top.

( _ Jesus fucking Christ.) _

JJ presses a kiss to his thigh, pulling down John B’s boxers and freeing his hard cock. 

JJ glances at him, licking his lips, and wraps one hand at the base, guiding towards his mouth so he can wrap his lips around it. He watches John B has he does, all pink lips and flushed cheeks.

(John B can’t believe his own eyes.) 

JJ takes his cock into his mouth, licks at the head and then lower to the side, bobbing his head up and down quickly, and then John B doesn’t remember how breathing works.

(He really doesn’t care.)

(Not when JJ is doing  _ that.) _

John B buries one hand in hair, pulling gently at the blond strands and JJ moans around his cock, the vibrations traveling straight down John B’s spine. He shivers, moans, hips bucking up in JJ’s mouth instinctively. 

“Shit, sorry.” He whispers, but when JJ looks up, his eyes are blown dark, darker than they have ever been.

( _ Interesting.) _

“JJ.” He growls and tightens his grip on JJ’s hair, just a bit, to test it out, and JJ’s eyes flutter close, then he swallows around John B’s head, and John B can’t take his eyes off him, watching his cock disappear in JJ’s wet mouth again and again. 

(It’s dizzying.) 

(Also, he’s about to come, which is far too early.)

“JJ.” He calls, panting. “JJ, come here.” 

JJ pulls off his cock with a loud pop, licking his lips, and climbs up John B’s body to crash their mouth together.

(He can taste himself in JJ’s mouth, and it shouldn’t be so hot, but somehow it is.)

(Everything JJ does is.)

John B pulls down JJ’s boxer then, wrapping one hand around his leaking cock, and JJ arches on top of him.

John B drags his free hands over the perfect curve of his back, of his ass, pulling closer,  _ closer,  _ so he can touch every inch of him. 

“You’re so fuckin’ beautiful.” He whispers against his shoulder, and JJ shivers, eyes falling close and lips parted. “JJ.”

(It drives him crazy, JJ does.) 

John B flips them around again, kisses him again, and pours some lube on his fingers, warming it up quickly between his hands. 

He presses one finger at JJ’s hole, ripping a whimper from JJ when he breaches the ring of muscles. 

(It’s hot and wet and  _ so tight.) _

“Fuck, John B, Jesus.” JJ pants, looking up to meet his eyes, and John B smiles at him, kisses his lips and neck and starts moving his fingers to make space for the second. 

JJ’s legs fall further apart, and John B scissors him open slowly, wanting to take his time, wanting to hear more of those little moans JJ is making.

(It’s intoxicating, JJ is, everything about him.) 

“John B, fuck-

John B smirks at him.

“Yeah? Got somethin’ to say.”   
“Stop  _ teasing,  _ asshole.” He grits out, and then John B curls his fingers just  _ right,  _ and JJ throws back his head, a long, louder, moan ripping its way out of his throat.

(John B has never beer harder.)

“Fuck, JJ.” He says, biting gently at his shoulder. 

JJ moans again when John B pulls his fingers back. He rolls on a condom quickly, pouring more lube on himself and on JJ’s hole.

JJ is panting under him, fingers clutching a bit desperately to John B’s shoulder.

“Good?” John B asks and JJ nods, reaching up to kiss him.

“Yeah.” JJ whispers on his lips, smiling. “More than.”   
(How did John B ever get so lucky?)

John B pushes in slowly and watches JJ’s lips part, eyes fluttering close for a second before he goes back to burning holes in John B’s soul.

“Christ, JJ, you’re so fucking tight, Jesus.” He grits out, the heat blinding. 

“Shit, John B, fuck, fuck-

John B has to stop for a second once he’s fully inside, so he doesn’t come right there and then, because JJ feels so fucking good,  _ Christ. _

He rests his head on JJ’s shoulder, putting his elbows at each side of JJ’s face.

JJ is panting under him, shivering, and then he rolls his hips and pleasure shoots through John B’s spine, frying all his nerves.

“ _ Fuck,  _ JJ-

“Christ, John B, if you don’t move  _ right now- _

The rest of the sentence is lost in a moan as John B pulls out and thrusts back in, JJ’s hands pulling at his hair, scratching his back. 

“John B.” JJ says, and it sounds like a prayer. John B moves one hand to put on his hip and lifts him up, just a little, so the angle is _ just right,  _ and then JJ is whimpering and cursing, a litany of ‘ _ John B’  _ and  _ ‘God’  _ and  _ ‘fuck’.  _

John B kisses him, and JJ arches off the bed, pulling him in.

_ Christ. _

JJ touches him everywhere, hands traveling down John B’s back and chest, as if he can’t get enough, which John B understands, because he can’t get enough of JJ’s either.

(JJ looks at him like he’s everything, like he’s all he’s ever wanted.)

(No one else looks at him like that.)

(It makes John B’s inside burn.)

John B crashes their mouths together, and it’s messy and hungry and desperate.

John B wraps one hand around JJ’s cock then, and JJ moans in his mouth, lips falling open and then they’re not even kissing anymore, just breathing each other in.

It only take a few good strokes for JJ to come, with a moan that sounds like John B’s name, all over his hands and his chest.

(John B knows he’ll be jerking off to this particular image for the rest of his life.)

It’s the last push John B needs before he’s tumbling off the edge too, hiding his face in JJ’s neck. He keeps rocking into JJ’s warm body as he rides through his orgasm, and JJ is running his fingers through his hair, holding him impossibly closer.

“Fuck.” JJ huffs then, and John B pulls back to look at him.

(Bright eyes and pink lips, golden hair and flushed cheeks.) 

“Yeah.” John B agrees, and then they’re kissing again, and John B never wants to move.

In the end he has to. 

He pulls out of JJ with a hiss, rolling off the condom and throwing it somewhere on the floor. He grabs a shirt and cleans the cum off JJ’s chest, dropping on the bed again.

“JJ.” He says, and JJ is already there, curled against his side, under his arm.

(Where John B can keep him safe.) 

John B presses a kiss on his hair, and then one on his lips when JJ tilts his face up.

JJ pulls the blanket over them both, resting his head on his chest.

John B starts running his fingers through his hair, and JJ hums quietly, John B can feel his hot breath on his chest.

( _ I love you.)  _

(He knows JJ is thinking the same.)

(Neither of them say it, not yet, still too scared, still to uncertain, but that’s okay.)

(John B can read it in JJ’s blue eyes, and JJ feels it in John B’s gentle fingers.)

“Sleep?” JJ says, eyes already closed.

“Yeah.” 

  
  



End file.
